:))

masakit gud.



kasi, i already fell. by the time i realized that, you fell for another.



parang dati, papunta ka na. malapit ka na. tapos, palapit na rin ako. eh, hindi mo ako nahintay, nauna ka. aaat. iniwan mo ako.



kaya mahirap siya para sa akin ngayon. mahirap para sa akin na magdetatch lalung lalo na nakikita kita na kasama siya at makarinig ng kuwento niyong dalawa.



mas mahirap dahil hindi mo ako kinakausap at iniiwasan mo ako. sana naman yung pagkakaibigan natin dati ay nanatili para naman kahit papano ay malaman ko kung ano man ang nangyayari sayo dahil sa ngayon, wala akong kaalam-alam.



pero kung tutuusin, at gaya ng sinasabi ko sa sarili ko, wala akong karapatang magreklamo. hindi naman kita pagmamay-ari, at hindi ko hawak ang puso mo. wala naman akong karapatang magkaroon ng ganitong klaseng pagdaramdam dahil kung baga nga, its not official.



ayaw na kitang iyakan. ayaw ko nang magdamdam. gusto ko nang makawala.



ang tanga ko naman. hindi ko sinabi bago ako umalis. bakit pa kasi in denial baaa.



well. at least youre happy with whatever you are and whoever youre with. because its all that matters: for you to be happy even if its difficult for me to swallow. tatanggapin ko na lang na mas masaya ka na ganyan kaysa sa kasama ako. ok naman ang lahat pag masaya ka diba...


masaya ka ba talaga?

isa na lang.:)

it's been a long time. i know, i know.

kuwento? maynila?

ok lang naman siya. nakapagisip2x ako. hahaha. i already know what i really felt. and how i really am. PLUS. nakapagadopt nanaman ako ng anak. hahahahaa. kaya lang, nakakaasar. walang nagbreak. nang dahil lang sa .5. awoo.

experience? well. i think hindi tamang lugar ang isang blogsite para dyan. kaya, unless kausapin niyo ako ng personal, hindi ako makakapagshare.:D

paguwi ko? umm. i would be the greatest liar on earth when i'd say na ok lang ang pag-uwi ko. masaya naman ung pinabaunan ako ng maynila ng stiff neck.:D
sa classroom? well. ayoko nang isipin un. hahaha.

ang week so far? nakakainis. kasi while i managed to mend an aspect of... well... my dilemnas before ako umalis, may nagcome up. nakakapanghinayang kasi. communication gap(which is so stupid of a dilemna lalo na sa isang gaya ko.:))). at nakakakadepress siya because for one, it distracts me. and second, it both affects us negatively. ang tanong na nasa isip ko ngayon? BAKIT?ANO BA TALAGA?(kung kailan medyo alam ko na ang talagang nararamdaman ko...)(HUH! REVELATION BA ITO??) and again, hindi ako maglalabas ng kahit ano dito dahil isa nga itong blogsite.:))


ano pa ba?...


AYY. OO. LAMPUCHA. NAWALA I.D. KO. TALK ABOUT WALA TALAGA AKONG PRESCENCE OF MIND. AT NAKAKADISTURB TALAGA SIYA.:))

ano pa ba.

alam ko. galit kayo. bakit pa ako magkakaroon ng blogsite kung hindi ko naman siya gagamitin para sa nakatakda nitong gamit: ang pagshare ng whatever crap sa isip ko? at bakit napakacrypic ko?(im not cryptic, youre just slow.) well. kasi. ano pang use ng pag-uusap ng personal? alam niyo, ill blame miscommunication on three things:
pagkamanhid.(nandyan na o. nagbubulag bulagan pa. hindi pa nagsasabi ng totoo.)
pagkacryptic.(manhid lang ang recipient mo. oo nga. bakit ba hindi masabi sabi ng tao ang kanyang saloobin nang tuluyan?)
technology.(oo. kung saan namamanifest ang lahat. at kung saan malinlang ng tao ang kapwa tao sa tunay niyang saloobin.)

tapusin ko na ito. LETS TALK. I WANT TO CLEAR THINGS UP YOU KNOW IM HERE TO LISTEN. DONT BEAT YOURSELF UP. IM HERE.


p.s. hindi ako cryptic. hindi ka rin slow. manhid ka lang talaga. pero alam ko. sensitive ka. hindi ka tulad nila eh. and thats the precise reason why i.....

pagkat ang bida sa isipan ko'y ikaw.:)

gusto kong maglabas ng random reactions. wala naman rin kasi akong kausap. xD

masaya ang week.
lovely siya.
lonely siya.
i was caught off guard with everything. tapos, ngayong week rin tumubo ang pimple ko sa cheek. aww. share ko lang. weh. hahaha.

sentiments...
nakakainis ka na ha. as in. id like to know what caused you to be like that. lumalabas na papansin ka. :))

umm. ano pa ba ang gusto kong ilabas. ayy. waaiiit.


AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

oh myy. :)) masaya. euphoric ang first half ng week. tapos pagka thursday, biglaanngg.

gaad. waa. haha.

ngayon ko lang nalaman. selosa pala ako. omidaaad.:))

unjustified gud. as in. im like... bakit ka ba nagseselos? may karapatan ka ba??

hahaha.

last na gusto kong malabas sa isip ko.:

at bakit pa kasi hindi pa ako nagsasalita??? kaya siguro ako bothered. kay baka nagaexpect ako na meron akong aaminin tapos wala pala. hahaha.

at bakit kasi ginawa kang mabait ng Diyos? nakakaadik ka. seryoso.

makes me wonder why i cant say it straight.:))

It has days since I started to take this seriously.

I always hate it when things start to blow into pieces or suddenly vanish without me actually understanding what really happened. I hate it when people don’t talk to me about whatever it is that needs to be talked about and when you ask them, they say everything’s fine but when you turn your back, ayan naa. I hate it when everyone knows your problem except you. I also hate people who don’t understand.
I should stop. I bet you’re asking what my problem is. Well, you all know what it is. Im not gonna say it.
Well its not really a problem because I know it isn’t. IT made it a problem. I know that I have been setting priorities. Sad to say, there are more things I have to prioritize rather than IT. What I didn’t understand was that I expected IT, of all ITS, to understand. Its funny rin kasi kahit si ate nagsasabi na hindi siya magandang influence sa akin kasi hindi maganda ang personality niya para sa akin. and yet, I didn’t mind that because I believed that IT will change. And ive hoped that IT will change so that I can prove that IT is not who they think IT really is.
Ive been trying, but I was only fooling myself. Ang saya. She already told me a long long time ago to stop being with IT if im growing uncomfortable of her and that I cant keep up. But I didn’t do that. Kasi nga, I still believed. Pero when I was going through rough roads, dun ko nasabi na I should stop. It was then that I concluded that I had to take a huge load on me.
Helloo. IT has to know that number one: my world doesn’t revolve around IT or any other person. Number two: IT is not the only one who gets busy and do things. And number three: I don’t like to be busy. Why the eff would IT think that im faking my business?? I mean, IT knows how many things ive involved myself in.
Dati hindi ko to ginatouch on kasi alam ko it will pass. Pero I think ayaw niya na. and what I hate most is what IT’s been doing. Alam niyo ung as if wala ka talagamg value sa kanya? Makes me wonder if the thing itself is genuine…
But at the end of the day, I won’t bother myself. Why? It’s because even though I know this is a serious matter, I got more things to worry about. I got my grades to worry about because I have a goal and I am failing miserably. I got debate, which really pressures me, but I like it.
And you know what, I should have followed her advice a long time ago. Kasi kung matagal ko nang sinimulan iyon, matagal na sana akong Masaya.



She’s right. Youre not worth it.

on intriga and exes...

intriga.

intriga.

intriga.



nakakaineeessss. haha. pero ndi ko xa maiwas iwasan. maygaaahhd. it sucks. kawawa rin xa kasi i think na he's super annoyed. malapit na xang manipa. pero, nabreak ang mood nang tumawa ako. (EH SINO BA NAMAN ANG HINDI MATATAWA KUNG SABIHAN KA NA SIPAIN KA PERO ANG GINAWA KAY NAGMAKE NG FIST?? paluie talaga na tao, kahit kailan.)


what seems isnt what is. or is it.?


weeelll. hahaha.


and speaking of intriga, kawawa mxado kuya ko. hehe kasi, kanina, pumunta kami ng kuya ko at gf niya sa may alfresco sa damosa. tapos, biglang ang EX gf.lumabas out of friggin nowhere. gaaaahd. (this time, i can hear sound effects. un tipong naririnig mo sa Jaws.)



kuya:hala ka, nagunsa ka diri?



ex:oh hi!! ang bait ni god noh.:))



ako:*turns back, sighs.*



ex:oh, she's the one?*looks, no, glares at my kuya's gf*



kuya:ay oo, si ____ pala.



ex:oh hi!! ay san ka? pahatid ako ng citi hardware be.

(hindi naman siya masyadong makapal ano.)



sa car...



ex:ano ka man! sayang ang aking 80,000 dito kung hindi ko naman ito ginagamit!

(background: nung sila pa, they purchased the car. when they broke up, nasa amin ang car kasi we payed for the rest. and nasa 300000 ang car. plus repairs. plus binayaran na ata xa.)



ako:*pinipilit na sirain ang rubiks cube sa inis.*

(alam niyo ba na ang office niya ay nasa may tugbok?? at kami naman ay nasa may matina na banda. para siyang nccc centro hanggang sa UIC bajada. tapos sabi niya seconds. o sige... 30 mins times 60 secs. plus traffic. seconds nga lang. seconds.)



at dahil doon, nalate kami papunta sa addu college. at minalas na kmi the whooolle day. ang galing galing ng world, bai. as in.



and speaking of malas, putul putol ang smart bro prepaid. kaya wag nio itong iconsider. kasi its like... dial up. stupeeid.




oo. tama. mapapadalas na ang mga blog. kasi magpapanata na ako bai. hehehehe.

why im not seen in third floor corridors anymore.

kasad lagi nito.

i miss xavier na gud. :(

i mean, i know people have noticed that i haven't been going to xavier just like what i have been doing for the past... i dunno... months?..

dont ask me why. i personally dont get myself as well.
...
...
...

fine. you asked for it. :)



i think its because that thing that we call insecurity already is beginning to sink in to me. its like i can clearly feel that gap kahit na alam ko na hindi ganun ang pagtreat sa akin. and yes, dear. i have been feeling quite insecure whenever im in there. hindi na ung kung nasa sarili ko akong classroom nang magisa, i feel alone pero kapag xavier ako, at ako lang magisa, i dont feel alone.its not like that anymore. i think kasi back then, even though i belonged to another section, we had somewhat the same goals, and the same experiences. but now, everything is totally different. its like there's this 100-foot tall wall/barrier between me and that room. its out of reach. and i end up being silent sometimes, and actually think: am i still in the right place?
....mahirap iexplain ang feeling. people would understand only if theyre in my position.

and there is always that stubborn explanation: kapoy baba.ikaw kaya magkaroon ng classrom one floor higher tapos sa kasuluk-sulukan pa talaga ng school. sa kalayo nya, you can barely hear the loud, annoying superman chant-turned-bell that the school plays. hindi na nga ako bumababa ng canteen,eh.

pero dont get me wrong. i would still love to go there. i would like to stay there still. i would love to be with my best friend. kaya lang i have to cram. tapos pagka dismissal, hindi ko na xa maabutan because she is off somewhere.

kaya un. sa mga nagtataka, i hope your souls are silenced.

saad. so saad.

IT SUCKS TO NOT HAVE YOUR NORMAL VOICE.

it sucks especially because i cannot live without talking.

seriously.
and people have been advising me to not talk, but i end up shouting at them, telling them that i cannot bear to not talk.

IKAW KAYA SA PLACE KO. FOR TWO YEARS, I HAVE BEEN TRAINED TO TALK MY GUTS OUT, AND IT COMES TO THIS POINT WHERE I SHOULDN'T EVEN TALK?!?!!!?!??! ITS NOT AS EASY AS IT LOOKS. AND I HATE WRITING, BY THE WAY.

yes. and since i didn't get the chance to talk, then ill type.

lets be random, shall we?

i want to see a real penguin. i think it will make me happy.
then, we will swim together, forget our problems, and bask in the antarctic sun.
(wait. antarctic sun??? wth, yana.)
then, we will share fish. afterwards, it will join me back home, and we will be like sisters.

okay. too random.

but its nice to be random.
nakakabigla.:))

ikaw.
how random can you get.?