because i know it and you dont have to tell me explicitly.:)

birthday jitters.:))

2009-05-02T20:51:00.000-07:00

okay. i know i only have twelve days before i officially turn older. honestly, i am not excited. who would be? im not gonna turn 18, and come to think of it, its just going to be an ordinary day for me. aside from that, the ones digit in my age would just change to 5. its not so remarkable if you ask me.

but, the moment i learned that something special was going to happen, i felt even more depressed.

last night, my eldest brother called. he said that he was going to come home for my birthday. that was good. but, he was going to invite some friends (colleagues) over. that was bad. my mom told him that we are going to prepare something special for them. that's okay.

then it hit me. we were going to have a special day not for me but for my kuya's friends. they are going to be invited to my party, but i won't invite any of my friends. what a birthday.

my mom offered me a chance to invite friends, but as i was already preoccupied with the thought, i said thanks, but no thanks. i reasoned out that our house wasnt as accessible as other places, and that coming here would be a hassle for the people that i'd invite. aside from that, some friends of mine wouldnt be in davao that time, so...

if i said yes, then that could be the first time that i'd actually invite people over. unfortunately, i didnt.

amidst all that, i only have one birthday wish.
i wish that everyone who ever knew me would greet me.
that's all.:)

2apRo9

2009-04-01T22:39:00.000-07:00

i was sitting on a bench, staring blankly on a set of stairs. people were chatting, cheering and laughing, some of them persuading to join me in their merriment. i refused, thinking it was all overrated. suddenly, you walked right up to me, handed me your phone, and let me read a quote. i cant remember what it said, but i remember well what i felt as i was reading the lines. i was thinking that something will happen, and that this is what ive been subtly expecting since the moment i had a hint of a spark between us. after i read it, you held my hand, but said nothing. you just looked at me, but i didnt bother look back. instead, i continued staring at the same flight of stairs as i did moments before you came up to me. after a while, you let go of my hand. you patted my back and said, “don’t worry, its all going to be alright. I’m here.” on that note, you left me silently. i went inside a room, and there i found a white porcelain vase with a bunch of golden roses, and with it was a note. the note was filled with familiar memories which we've spent together. towards the end, you said what you really felt, and that you've felt it strongly for quite some time now. as i read the last part, the part where i was to read your name, i woke up with what seems to be litanies of complaints and nags. i woke up, and figured it was all a dream. well that's unfair. i didnt even get to know who you really were.

why does every good thing happen in dreams alone?

in the end of everything...

2009-03-21T19:21:00.000-07:00

**ta namaaan!! wala nang pasook!! summertime na, beybeh!:))

sinapak ko ang taong nagsabi niyan. sobrang nainis ako sa notion niya.

im not saying that i like school, though. kung puwede lang ring batukan ang taong nagimbento at nagpacomplicate ng schooling/education, eh ginawa ko na.

its just that i never really liked summer. ever since nagkamalay ako sa world, ayaw ko ang concept na wala ka talagang ginagawa. as in super wala. Pero its kinda ironic kasi kung may iuutos sa akin, parang instinct na lumalabas sa aking bibig ang aking established na na answer: KAPUY.

haay. ang tao nga naman. kung anu-ano lang ang gustong gawin, pero kahit kailan, hinding hindi papanindigan.

and speaking of mga hindi naninindigan sa mga cherva na lumalabas sa kanilang mga machine-gun-like mouths na puno ng reklamo, asar, libak, pangarap at kung anu-ano pa, may mga tao talagang pabugso-bugso ang mga kinikilos. hindi nila sinusunod ang kanilang mga sinasabi, at awkweird siya. dont worry, guilty ako.

ang sabi niya masaya siya, pero hindi naman eh. kitang kiya kaya.ü

ang sabi ko hinding hindi ako magpapadala. but noooo. (hui. suuuuper slight lang ha.)

ang akala ko aabutan ng mga six months ang kanyang paglayas. pero pagbukas ko ng gate, ayan siya, at parang walang nangyari.
sabi niya dati, pinapahalagahan niya iyon. pero iniiwan niya nga lang eh, ay mas inuuna pa niya ang kanyang... external affairs.

konti lang yan. pero iyon talaga ang maremember ko. hrrrr.

tama. may gusto pa akong irant.
ikaw ba. denial ka masyado. kitang-kita na kaya. :)) paminsan ba, medyo maawa ako sa iyo... kasi namimisunderstand ka. pero wala man akong magawa. but hey. ive got nothing against you in any way. anyway, im just wondering... how do you do it? paano mo matiis na magpakaalila at magpautos para lang sa kanya?
and the ulirang alalay goes to...

oohh.

2009-01-25T03:53:00.000-08:00

ive had a very interesting taxi ride on my way to school last friday. why? because the moment i opened the taxi door, i was greeted with a rather... perky and bubbly taxi driver. its like... "GOOD MORNING, MA'AM!!! SA'N PO ANG PUNTA NATIN NGAYON??" grabe bai. kung hindi lang ako nakapagpigil ay abot ng school ang tawa ako. as in. AWKWAAAAHHHAAAARRRRDDD. :))

tapos. same pa rin ang perkiness niya throughout the whole ride. pero interesting, though. kasi kung gaano siya kaperky, ganun katragic ang kanyang buhay. his story goes like this.

sixty days ago, he was happily living in manila. he had a family, and a stable job. then one day, a tragic accident was met by his family. the driver lost control of the car while they were tracking the south superhighway. six 360-degrees and a total car wreck later, his whole family died, while he was still at work.

it has now been thirty days since he landed here in Davao. he temporarily left his job, and bought a taxi with his savings. he says he's trying his best to move on. he adds that with the 30 days he has stayed here, he's got eighteen driver's tickets. (super distracted si kuya.) he's so new here that he still even reads a local map to keep track of where he's going. very, very interesting.

at first, i thought he was one of the people na walang pakialam sa buhay, kuntento sa taxi, at walang masyadong nangyayari sa buhay. pero the moment i heard his story, its like everything mocked me.

since then, ive never judged people again.

pero, duh. of course. natawa pa rin ako sa pagbaba ko. go na "THANK YOU PO, MA'AM, SANA MAKASAKAY KO PO KAYO ULIT!!!!" and kalame ko. all i could do to respond was a laugh.:))

kaya kuya taxi driver, thank you for making my day last friday. because of you, masaya pa rin ako buong araw n'on, at kahit naiwan ko cp ko, malas ako masyado, at muntik akong masagasaan ng truck dahil sa mga taong sumasakay ng bike, good mood pa rin ako.

salamat. :D

of headaches and pissed off-ness.

2009-01-19T05:28:00.000-08:00

i have been having this crazy-ass headache for the past few weeks now. people might not have noticed it, but it is there, like there's a hammer that's constantly pounding youre brain, as if to say "get a grip, bitch. things wont change for you."
why its there? i dont know. but i can only presume that its a turning point for me. its like, my gateway to epiphany. i know something's gonna happen, i just damn swear to god that something will. i just am not getting there, and this headache that's been making me late ever since fourth quarter began serves as a wake up call.
now, i think youre wondering why i mentioned about things not changing for me. yeah, i have been expecting a lot from myself, and other things. and i know that the only thing that i can control is myself, so why bother thinking about changing things?
speaking of change, another thing that has been bothering me lately are teamups. i mean, the current setup is okay, but i think there's something wrong with it, but i cant pinpoint what exactly. another thing that's interesting about these headahes is that it intensifies the moment i step in to ateneo college, where people start discussing(let me change that. RANTING.) about things like "so, what now... am i going to be this?? its like up to you." and whatever crap. i've been shutting my mouth, but in my head, i'm like..."get a grip, bitch. tell me what you really want, and i dont want your gayness(and your.... ugh, ill keep the word to myself) to empower it. it spoils everything."
i know its mean. but hell, if youre in my shoes, its like.... natural. like instinct. im sorry if you get bothered, i know i've been to hard on you, but you know... ive got issues too. and if you keep pressing your issues on my own, i dont think we'll work. learn to trim down; you cant please everyone. but im sorry for being a real bitch. really, i am.(i have a presumption why though. i think its hormonal...:D)
on another light, i think i know why this headache continues: i secretly fret over things too much. i fret about unchangeable things(such as... well, if you really know me, i think youre thinking the right thing.) and the worst part is, it makes me not care about more important things. i actually get contented with a passing mark for quizzes, and laugh at myself when i failed. i dont prioritize things anymore. i dont make my assignments. i dont do well in debate rounds. and most importantly, i havent even moved an inch and care about prom! (i seriously dont want to wear a RTW dress from imperial. NEVER.)
speaking of prom, i need suggestions for my gown and crap.
moreover, im embarrassed. i really wouldnt want to bother my pd8 about picking me up, considering that my house is far from school, or his house, even. i wont want to cause him trouble just because of some tradition. but hey, if he really is open to the idea, ill accept that.

hey. guess what. im pissed. im causing everyone trouble because of my ingrateness and my whatever-it-is-you-want-to-call-me-ness. im sorry if im just not in the mood to be sustainingly happy. its just that i havent found enough reason to. my mouth may smile, but inside, im not.(as in. kay hindi man marunong magsmile ang ibang body parts. imagine your mouth smile....[yana. corny hirit.:l])

soo. un. hahaha.

prom!

2009-01-11T05:46:00.000-08:00

*nakikinig sa conversation ng ibang tao*
1:shet, bai. kanina ba. tinanong ako ni .. kwan.. for prom. tapos bai, may pD8 na man ako. hahaha. di ko pa sinabi na may pd8 na ako.
2:talaga? wala pa gud ako.. i-reto mo na lang yan sa akin beh pleease. sobrang desperado na ako bai ba.
1:surrreee.:D

*sa stairs ng adju; 3 days, and billions of reto conversations later.*
"bai, ano yang reto??"

:)) super kaclueless ko gud kung ano yan. salamat sa mga tao, inexplain nila na recommend pala yan.xD as in. akala ko complicated ung spelling or something (like retoque or retteu. sorry gud kung akala ko French siya. un pala kay kanto word.)...

at kung gaano kadali ang pagspell, ganun kahirap ang proseso. ive heard and seen situations na kawawa ang mga taong nasasadlak dito. talk about "ireto ko siya sa iyo." "HELL no."(akala mo na rin kung gaano kanice-looking, yun pala kay awkward-looking masyado. pagsure.:)))
pero, fine. may karapatan sila. after all, it is prom. its supposed to be your night. everybody's night.

kasi i thought that it wouldnt cause such a hooplah. kasi dati hindi ko siya dinidibdib. ngayon, sort of. pero wala na akong problema sa date, ang mga ibang tao lang. kasi dahil dito, lumalabas ang kung anu-anong sakit. may prom fatigue, prom hyperventilation, lumalalang kaso ng KKD, schizophrenia, at kung ano-ano pa. masaya gud. kasi maraming laugh trip.xD

biruin niyo, may council na rin para sa mga nirereto at hindi pa sigurado kung mag-oo ung babae. ang sayaa.:))

masaya rin kasi may mga revelations na magaganap sa prom. malalaman ng world kung sino ang chuva nino AATT mga pairs na hindi mo alam na naga-exist. awoo. awoo.:))

kaya sa may mga pd8 na, congrats. sa mga magpaparaffle, good luck. sa mga napilitan lang, martyrdom gets great perks. sa mga umaasa at hindi pa rin nagkakaguts magtanong, get a life. sa mga assuming, wake up. sa mga desperadong tao, HALA, IFORGE NIYO NA ANG PIRMA NG KAWAWANG BIKTIMA NINYO.:))

okay, kahash ko. salig na man gud ba. well, sorry gud. ginaabuso ko lang ang blogging.:))

new year na, durrs.:D

2009-01-01T20:06:00.000-08:00

5...

4...

3...

2...

1...

1...

0...

HAPPY NEW YEAR!
weh. kaawkward ng "leap second". hahaha.

anyways, its a new year. it marks a new beginning for every aspect of my life(which, towards the end of the year, has become a hell hole from paradise).also, the new opportunities and all (basta bago lahat), and of course, the illusion na mababago mo ang sarili mo.

alam niyo kasi, i dont believe in new year's resolutions. stupid man kasi you promise to be this and that for the whole year, but what happens in the next? besides, will your promise even reach a week to begin with? this tradition has only reached face value, and i applaud the people who have become true to their word.

also, there are people who make new year an excuse for everthing. i know that i'll be bombarded with the statement: "sige na lang gud, new year bitaw..."(sarap sigawan ng 'tangina! pakialam ko kung new year na?? may ginawa ka pa rin, gago! bakit? porket holiday ba, may karapatan nang magkasala? sige ha. papatayin kita. sige lang, new year bitaw!*sabay sakal*)

ummm. oo. hahaha.

however, kahit na new year na, life as usual pa rin ako. wala naman akong mabago.:)) (ka-pessimist ko, ever. what a way to start the year.) toast to the new year na lang, and to all the things that come with it. hehehe.

go 2009.! mga tao, chance niyo na ito. change while it matters.awoo.
mga ox-ters!!! taon niyo ito!! hahahahahahahaahha.

ok, nabuang na ningg.

sad ako, though. kasi wala mxadong in store for a dog like me this year.:(
p.s.dog ang aking animal sign thingy... or whatever you call it.

:))

2008-11-25T03:42:00.000-08:00

masakit gud.

kasi, i already fell. by the time i realized that, you fell for another.

parang dati, papunta ka na. malapit ka na. tapos, palapit na rin ako. eh, hindi mo ako nahintay, nauna ka. aaat. iniwan mo ako.

kaya mahirap siya para sa akin ngayon. mahirap para sa akin na magdetatch lalung lalo na nakikita kita na kasama siya at makarinig ng kuwento niyong dalawa.

mas mahirap dahil hindi mo ako kinakausap at iniiwasan mo ako. sana naman yung pagkakaibigan natin dati ay nanatili para naman kahit papano ay malaman ko kung ano man ang nangyayari sayo dahil sa ngayon, wala akong kaalam-alam.

pero kung tutuusin, at gaya ng sinasabi ko sa sarili ko, wala akong karapatang magreklamo. hindi naman kita pagmamay-ari, at hindi ko hawak ang puso mo. wala naman akong karapatang magkaroon ng ganitong klaseng pagdaramdam dahil kung baga nga, its not official.

ayaw na kitang iyakan. ayaw ko nang magdamdam. gusto ko nang makawala.

ang tanga ko naman. hindi ko sinabi bago ako umalis. bakit pa kasi in denial baaa.

well. at least youre happy with whatever you are and whoever youre with. because its all that matters: for you to be happy even if its difficult for me to swallow. tatanggapin ko na lang na mas masaya ka na ganyan kaysa sa kasama ako. ok naman ang lahat pag masaya ka diba...

masaya ka ba talaga?

isa na lang.:)

2008-11-16T01:12:00.000-08:00

it's been a long time. i know, i know.

kuwento? maynila?

ok lang naman siya. nakapagisip2x ako. hahaha. i already know what i really felt. and how i really am. PLUS. nakapagadopt nanaman ako ng anak. hahahahaa. kaya lang, nakakaasar. walang nagbreak. nang dahil lang sa .5. awoo.

experience? well. i think hindi tamang lugar ang isang blogsite para dyan. kaya, unless kausapin niyo ako ng personal, hindi ako makakapagshare.:D

paguwi ko? umm. i would be the greatest liar on earth when i'd say na ok lang ang pag-uwi ko. masaya naman ung pinabaunan ako ng maynila ng stiff neck.:D
sa classroom? well. ayoko nang isipin un. hahaha.

ang week so far? nakakainis. kasi while i managed to mend an aspect of... well... my dilemnas before ako umalis, may nagcome up. nakakapanghinayang kasi. communication gap(which is so stupid of a dilemna lalo na sa isang gaya ko.:))). at nakakakadepress siya because for one, it distracts me. and second, it both affects us negatively. ang tanong na nasa isip ko ngayon? BAKIT?ANO BA TALAGA?(kung kailan medyo alam ko na ang talagang nararamdaman ko...)(HUH! REVELATION BA ITO??) and again, hindi ako maglalabas ng kahit ano dito dahil isa nga itong blogsite.:))

ano pa ba?...

AYY. OO. LAMPUCHA. NAWALA I.D. KO. TALK ABOUT WALA TALAGA AKONG PRESCENCE OF MIND. AT NAKAKADISTURB TALAGA SIYA.:))

ano pa ba.

alam ko. galit kayo. bakit pa ako magkakaroon ng blogsite kung hindi ko naman siya gagamitin para sa nakatakda nitong gamit: ang pagshare ng whatever crap sa isip ko? at bakit napakacrypic ko?(im not cryptic, youre just slow.) well. kasi. ano pang use ng pag-uusap ng personal? alam niyo, ill blame miscommunication on three things:
pagkamanhid.(nandyan na o. nagbubulag bulagan pa. hindi pa nagsasabi ng totoo.)
pagkacryptic.(manhid lang ang recipient mo. oo nga. bakit ba hindi masabi sabi ng tao ang kanyang saloobin nang tuluyan?)
technology.(oo. kung saan namamanifest ang lahat. at kung saan malinlang ng tao ang kapwa tao sa tunay niyang saloobin.)

tapusin ko na ito. LETS TALK. I WANT TO CLEAR THINGS UP YOU KNOW IM HERE TO LISTEN. DONT BEAT YOURSELF UP. IM HERE.

p.s. hindi ako cryptic. hindi ka rin slow. manhid ka lang talaga. pero alam ko. sensitive ka. hindi ka tulad nila eh. and thats the precise reason why i.....

pagkat ang bida sa isipan ko'y ikaw.:)

2008-10-10T08:06:00.000-07:00

gusto kong maglabas ng random reactions. wala naman rin kasi akong kausap. xD

masaya ang week.
lovely siya.
lonely siya.
i was caught off guard with everything. tapos, ngayong week rin tumubo ang pimple ko sa cheek. aww. share ko lang. weh. hahaha.

sentiments...
nakakainis ka na ha. as in. id like to know what caused you to be like that. lumalabas na papansin ka. :))

umm. ano pa ba ang gusto kong ilabas. ayy. waaiiit.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

oh myy. :)) masaya. euphoric ang first half ng week. tapos pagka thursday, biglaanngg.

gaad. waa. haha.

ngayon ko lang nalaman. selosa pala ako. omidaaad.:))

unjustified gud. as in. im like... bakit ka ba nagseselos? may karapatan ka ba??

hahaha.

last na gusto kong malabas sa isip ko.:

at bakit pa kasi hindi pa ako nagsasalita??? kaya siguro ako bothered. kay baka nagaexpect ako na meron akong aaminin tapos wala pala. hahaha.

at bakit kasi ginawa kang mabait ng Diyos? nakakaadik ka. seryoso.

makes me wonder why i cant say it straight.:))

2008-09-27T20:42:00.000-07:00

It has days since I started to take this seriously.

I always hate it when things start to blow into pieces or suddenly vanish without me actually understanding what really happened. I hate it when people don’t talk to me about whatever it is that needs to be talked about and when you ask them, they say everything’s fine but when you turn your back, ayan naa. I hate it when everyone knows your problem except you. I also hate people who don’t understand.
I should stop. I bet you’re asking what my problem is. Well, you all know what it is. Im not gonna say it.
Well its not really a problem because I know it isn’t. IT made it a problem. I know that I have been setting priorities. Sad to say, there are more things I have to prioritize rather than IT. What I didn’t understand was that I expected IT, of all ITS, to understand. Its funny rin kasi kahit si ate nagsasabi na hindi siya magandang influence sa akin kasi hindi maganda ang personality niya para sa akin. and yet, I didn’t mind that because I believed that IT will change. And ive hoped that IT will change so that I can prove that IT is not who they think IT really is.
Ive been trying, but I was only fooling myself. Ang saya. She already told me a long long time ago to stop being with IT if im growing uncomfortable of her and that I cant keep up. But I didn’t do that. Kasi nga, I still believed. Pero when I was going through rough roads, dun ko nasabi na I should stop. It was then that I concluded that I had to take a huge load on me.
Helloo. IT has to know that number one: my world doesn’t revolve around IT or any other person. Number two: IT is not the only one who gets busy and do things. And number three: I don’t like to be busy. Why the eff would IT think that im faking my business?? I mean, IT knows how many things ive involved myself in.
Dati hindi ko to ginatouch on kasi alam ko it will pass. Pero I think ayaw niya na. and what I hate most is what IT’s been doing. Alam niyo ung as if wala ka talagamg value sa kanya? Makes me wonder if the thing itself is genuine…
But at the end of the day, I won’t bother myself. Why? It’s because even though I know this is a serious matter, I got more things to worry about. I got my grades to worry about because I have a goal and I am failing miserably. I got debate, which really pressures me, but I like it.
And you know what, I should have followed her advice a long time ago. Kasi kung matagal ko nang sinimulan iyon, matagal na sana akong Masaya.

She’s right. Youre not worth it.

on intriga and exes...

2008-09-20T07:06:00.000-07:00

intriga.

intriga.

intriga.

nakakaineeessss. haha. pero ndi ko xa maiwas iwasan. maygaaahhd. it sucks. kawawa rin xa kasi i think na he's super annoyed. malapit na xang manipa. pero, nabreak ang mood nang tumawa ako. (EH SINO BA NAMAN ANG HINDI MATATAWA KUNG SABIHAN KA NA SIPAIN KA PERO ANG GINAWA KAY NAGMAKE NG FIST?? paluie talaga na tao, kahit kailan.)

what seems isnt what is. or is it.?

weeelll. hahaha.

and speaking of intriga, kawawa mxado kuya ko. hehe kasi, kanina, pumunta kami ng kuya ko at gf niya sa may alfresco sa damosa. tapos, biglang ang EX gf.lumabas out of friggin nowhere. gaaaahd. (this time, i can hear sound effects. un tipong naririnig mo sa Jaws.)

kuya:hala ka, nagunsa ka diri?

ex:oh hi!! ang bait ni god noh.:))

ako:*turns back, sighs.*

ex:oh, she's the one?*looks, no, glares at my kuya's gf*

kuya:ay oo, si ____ pala.

ex:oh hi!! ay san ka? pahatid ako ng citi hardware be.

(hindi naman siya masyadong makapal ano.)

sa car...

ex:ano ka man! sayang ang aking 80,000 dito kung hindi ko naman ito ginagamit!

(background: nung sila pa, they purchased the car. when they broke up, nasa amin ang car kasi we payed for the rest. and nasa 300000 ang car. plus repairs. plus binayaran na ata xa.)

ako:*pinipilit na sirain ang rubiks cube sa inis.*

(alam niyo ba na ang office niya ay nasa may tugbok?? at kami naman ay nasa may matina na banda. para siyang nccc centro hanggang sa UIC bajada. tapos sabi niya seconds. o sige... 30 mins times 60 secs. plus traffic. seconds nga lang. seconds.)

at dahil doon, nalate kami papunta sa addu college. at minalas na kmi the whooolle day. ang galing galing ng world, bai. as in.

and speaking of malas, putul putol ang smart bro prepaid. kaya wag nio itong iconsider. kasi its like... dial up. stupeeid.

oo. tama. mapapadalas na ang mga blog. kasi magpapanata na ako bai. hehehehe.

why im not seen in third floor corridors anymore.

2008-08-06T01:35:00.000-07:00

kasad lagi nito.

i miss xavier na gud. :(

i mean, i know people have noticed that i haven't been going to xavier just like what i have been doing for the past... i dunno... months?..

dont ask me why. i personally dont get myself as well.
...
...
...

fine. you asked for it. :)

i think its because that thing that we call insecurity already is beginning to sink in to me. its like i can clearly feel that gap kahit na alam ko na hindi ganun ang pagtreat sa akin. and yes, dear. i have been feeling quite insecure whenever im in there. hindi na ung kung nasa sarili ko akong classroom nang magisa, i feel alone pero kapag xavier ako, at ako lang magisa, i dont feel alone.its not like that anymore. i think kasi back then, even though i belonged to another section, we had somewhat the same goals, and the same experiences. but now, everything is totally different. its like there's this 100-foot tall wall/barrier between me and that room. its out of reach. and i end up being silent sometimes, and actually think: am i still in the right place?
....mahirap iexplain ang feeling. people would understand only if theyre in my position.

and there is always that stubborn explanation: kapoy baba.ikaw kaya magkaroon ng classrom one floor higher tapos sa kasuluk-sulukan pa talaga ng school. sa kalayo nya, you can barely hear the loud, annoying superman chant-turned-bell that the school plays. hindi na nga ako bumababa ng canteen,eh.

pero dont get me wrong. i would still love to go there. i would like to stay there still. i would love to be with my best friend. kaya lang i have to cram. tapos pagka dismissal, hindi ko na xa maabutan because she is off somewhere.

kaya un. sa mga nagtataka, i hope your souls are silenced.

saad. so saad.

2008-08-01T20:10:00.000-07:00

IT SUCKS TO NOT HAVE YOUR NORMAL VOICE.

it sucks especially because i cannot live without talking.

seriously.
and people have been advising me to not talk, but i end up shouting at them, telling them that i cannot bear to not talk.

IKAW KAYA SA PLACE KO. FOR TWO YEARS, I HAVE BEEN TRAINED TO TALK MY GUTS OUT, AND IT COMES TO THIS POINT WHERE I SHOULDN'T EVEN TALK?!?!!!?!??! ITS NOT AS EASY AS IT LOOKS. AND I HATE WRITING, BY THE WAY.

yes. and since i didn't get the chance to talk, then ill type.

lets be random, shall we?

i want to see a real penguin. i think it will make me happy.
then, we will swim together, forget our problems, and bask in the antarctic sun.
(wait. antarctic sun??? wth, yana.)
then, we will share fish. afterwards, it will join me back home, and we will be like sisters.

okay. too random.

but its nice to be random.
nakakabigla.:))

ikaw.
how random can you get.?

kiss my nose.:))

2008-07-31T17:42:00.000-07:00

"time flies fast when you're hanging. "
-anonymous.(?)

and yes. after what seemed as minutes of hanging turned to hours of looking at how the fish were swimming and wondering if they ever drown. that was the only thing i did last night. and then, haply i realized that my life is boring.

let me repeat. BORING.

kahit na marami akong ginagwa, hindi ko pa rin masabi sa sarili ko na pagod na ako at kailangan ko munang umupo dahil ang dami ko nang ginawa. feel ko abnormal ako. :))
i dont feel that the things i do are actually helpful to anyone. i dont know why i think that way.

pero, hindi ko muna un ielaborate.

practically, nasanay ako na kng mgnet ako, binubuksan ko agad ang blogger, tapos, almost instantly, i start to type.

oh my.

THE MUMMY.

ang pinakamaingay na movie ever made.

la lang.
share ko lang. :))

anyway, napansin ko rin na para akong fish. ang aking attention span. grabe kashort. its like... you hold me for five minutes and i am daydreaming.

which explains why maingay ako pag mass, maingay ako sa moviehouse, maingay ako sa classroom, at maingay ako kahit saan. not to mention... malikot.

and yeah, kung nagtataka kayo kung bakit ganyan ang title ng blogpost ko, bubbly ang song as of this moment.

which reminds me. sabi ni kuya na hindi daw dapat ako makinig ng bubbly. kay bastos daw.

tpos naintindihan ko na kung bakit nung may sinabi si tito tekken.:))

un lang muna.:)

may gawd.

2008-07-30T06:16:00.000-07:00

i know that this is a bit delayed, but i'd still post this anyway.

while some people enjoyed their weekend partying of simply hanging out, i, on the other hand, together with other less fortunate people, got stuck in one hot conference room with the luxury of heat... and do not ever forget the obnoxious walking moss you see everywhere you look.

aside from those, we also played grammar police. GOD DAMN IT. when you are there, you can't help but laugh OR raise your brow. its friggin disturbing.

to let you know what i am talking about, we have listed some of the gazillion KOWTZ that we have gotten.

SATURDAY AFTERNOON.
aka unang araw ng inlaytinmet regarded to sintaks.

I myself is a disciplinarain.
There is a standard. Under the standard is the Program Standard, and under the Program Standard is your uniform.
The uniform should be worn by girls and adult.
scarf: color urayns.
The Senior Planning Ball
If you are that long hair...
First ang belt hip, not hip hop.
Close black shoes with half-inch
If you are using the old uniform with 3/4, no belt.
Not balloon as in balloon. (haaaa?)
Lumilipad mamayang gabi.
Tomorrow I would like YOU TO SEE IN UNIFORM. (dba dapat "would like to see you"?)
I don't want to offend your feelings. (feelings pala?)
streeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeps.
The store will not be open tomorrow, because it seems... Sunday.
Pwede kayo magsuot niyan, wala namang magsalo.
How about lipstick? Just a little light. (hala sige, pasigahon ang lips)
SOFADAN (song, fashion, dance... char, pauso.)
end and hend wisels. (ha? diba HAND AND WHISTLE SIGNALS? bakit nag ulit?)
no more go backs. (=)))
we are unite and each other until today and tomorrow.
we should kailangan talaga...
avoid magazine na mga bolds... (anong bolds???)
carry task by steps (unsa daw?)
ang atong rice, krisis na kaayo.
"we should be a boy!"
we should not surrender our Bataan! (char, allusion daw.)
we should always be a virgin.
we are a simple girls having a terrible heart, friendly and lovable. (TERRIBLE?)
the only thing we can give to our husbands is virginity. (hahaha)
have fun an adventure out of the country to be good citizens. (atik? how ironic.)
na rape na siya, hindi niya alam.
avoid intimate... time.
alam niyo bang si ate sheila ay girl din noon? (ano pala siya ngayon, boy?)

from Linay.

and of course. there's always that part two.

SUNDAY. PART Two.
it seems.... sunday.

- please pick up and one representatives.
- the girls started to walk on all directions.(whaat?)
- due to the lack of preparation in time...
- TUMINDIG KA NGA.
- group yourselb.
- it doesn't mean that if you are a cadet or scout leader.... you are free to submit......
- others will stay on this side, the others will stay on that side, and the other half will stay in front.
- honor class kayo?
- you made this conference alive. (AAAAAHHH!!! DAGAAANN!!!)
- CONGRATULATION!
- I SECOND EMOTION.
- nikita..... *hangs* JAMINANA??
- ...made our hearts live.(okay. so it wasnt really living before we came along...)
- this is the first council to ever have their blogsite ran by girls.( leewr. bkit man daw lalaki ang magpatakbo be...!!?!?!?!)
- do you know that she was once a girl like you.?(sex change much.)
- another things that i would like seen.
- share handicrafts, share problems without anyone knowing.(WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT OF SHARING ANYWAY???)
- under the KAMOTE TREE.(HALER. ROOT CROP KAYA YANG KAMOTE. )
- lets now have the community song ON MY HONOR.(baga kay ningg.)

ayan.
so even though the environment wasnt condusive, we still had fun.

i realized that its nice to laugh about things that are slapstick in nature, but it pays to have good humor in something that only you or a group of people only notice.

kung baga, mas masaya at funny kung konti lang ang nakakagets kasi hindi siya mawawala sa isipan mo.

OH DEEBA?

i never felt this way if it wasn't for you.

2008-07-24T17:18:00.000-07:00

alright. its official.
i hate gay.

its not necessarily about the gender per se, and its not really about their whole "homosexual race" (i do concede that there are far better homosexuals than normal-gendered people in terms of achivements) but their attitudes are... out of this friggin world.

i have generalized this thought two weeks ago when a certain person (who apparently is gay) angered the crap out of me and other people because of his... er... her... (no, wait, what gender will i use?) um... IT's(lets just use it to be safe.ü) so-called malicious acts. IT was very disturbing, and we didnt really expect that things like that from him considering IT's age and IT's achievements(i dont really exactly know what) and what not. and to think that he(i mean IT) did those so-called malicious acts before IT even practically knew our names. leeewwwrr. who in this world would molest someone whom he/she doesnt even even know? its like kissing your seatmate on your jeepney ride home. its unbecoming. its malicious. its gross.

im getting worried because IT doesnt respect other people. im worried that at the end of the day, nobody would be with IT despite of IT's achievements. i pity him because he drives people away with what IT thinks as a sign of friendship.

and so, i conclude this blogpost with a quote from my good friend, the internet.

It doesn't matter what you do in the bedroom as long as you don't do it in the street and frighten the horses.

kaya, my advice to you, gay person, is that you better watch your actions, or you might frighten the horses. :)

that damn movie.

2008-07-11T19:55:00.000-07:00

wanted.

*bows head down*

the best movie ever made by bored people who want to make money.
:))

seriously. it was the best.
love the cinematography.(i applaud the glass breaking thing. :)))
love the sequence.
love the cars.
love the twist.(WAAAH. MY GUESS WAS RIGHT. THAT FRIGGIN GUY WAS HIS DADDY.)
love the plot.(though it was really familiar... i think i already read about it somewhere...)

love the actors.(go angelina jolie. you hot, corpse looking girl, you...)
love the soundtrack.(idol ko. hahahaha.)
love the suspense.(yes. i love it very much. di ba len? :)))
love the gore.
love the profanity.(how am i supposed to love profanity if i'm totally against it?)
:))

PLUS.
it was the first movie na kasama ko si mamikoo.:)
ma. matouch ka.

i dont want to talk about details because i will just get lost and get disappointed with myself.

but what i like most about it was that it made me think.
it made me think of the things that i have been doing in my life.
did i do something that made me experience the things that i have been experiencing lately? have i been fair to the people around me? am i living my life according to what my mentors ask of me? am i living a healthy life?

what the eff have i been doing lately?

well, i dont effing know. :))
i dont want to know.

because if i do, i will get too conscious of how to live my life.
and if i do, i will not get to appreciate a lot of things. i wouldnt get to see the beauty of my suffering. i wouldnt get to see the beauty of life.

"and if its true that every 7 years each cell in your body dies and gets replaced, then truly, i have inherited my life from a dead man."

yes. i have inherited my life from a dead man. i haven't changed. at least a bit.

ignorante.

2008-07-07T04:26:00.000-07:00

wala lang.
hahaha.
i just dont want to see the stupid post about radio shows sa first par ng page...

lingaw gud sa mix. super. i never thought i could be there.
actually, speechless ako. kaya lang.. gusto k0ng magpost. hahahah.

un lang ata.
and one more thing.

dapat ngacram ako ngaun. pero wla talaga ako sa mood. lolx.

radio show.

2008-06-29T01:23:00.000-07:00

oh my godoh my godoh my godoh my godoh my godoh my godoh my godoh my godoh my godoh my godoh my godoh my godoh my godoh my godoh my godoh my godoh my godoh my godoh my godoh my godoh my godoh my godoh my godoh my godoh my godoh my godoh my godoh my god.

ngajump ang aking stomach. its like... two hours from now.

8pm.mix.viewfinder. HELP!!!

oh my god
oh my god
oh my god
oh my god
oh my god
oh my god
oh my god
oh my god
oh my god
oh my god
oh my god
oh my god
oh my god

first time ko. sorry. hahahahaha.

i raise my brow at you.

2008-06-29T00:07:00.000-07:00

2 years.

its been two years or more since i have been part of this group they call Ateneo Debate Society.
and because i have learned to love almost everything this club offers me, it earns a blog. :))

but this thing is not about the club. its about the people who ruin the club for me or for other people who simply care.

on my second year, people came in. they, at first, showed interest and were like sheep. but as time passed by, the seniors were starting to be more friendly. and they abused it. they were taught things over and over just to realize, after very session, that no matter how many times you teach, they wont learn simply because they dont want to learn. and yet, i still dont get why they are there.

but because they are staying, we still had little hope. and that little hope kept us patient even though these people who we are teaching are verbally and physically not treating us right considering the year level and closeness gaps.

and now it came to threats and hatred. how lovely did things turn out to be. (sarcasm) they are mad because of no clear reason. you try to reach out and talk to them, but they wouldnt even look at you. and now demands for apology are being presented through other connections. i wonder why we cant personally talk about this.

but, unlike other people, i do not apologize to people for things i did not even do wrong. in fact, i dont even know what they wanted an apology for. it is because apologies are very precious and are not supposed to be said unless it is meant.

and unlike other people, i simply do not get threatened by people quitting, or even by flying shoes... it is because i know i didnt do anything that might cause them to throw me shoes. which means, they have their own psycho problems.

so, how dare them. how dare them get mad. how dare them choose to tattletale and not confront us immediately. how dare them demand for an apology for something that isn't even clear. how dare them use other people just to tell us that something is wrong. how dare them.

and to think we thought they were actually good people.

note: refers to one person.:)

IT TIME. weee.

2008-06-24T23:36:00.000-07:00

well, its it time and i cant surf the usual sites that i go to.. soo.. im here. hahaha.

ai, oo. si sir simpao kanina, kumanta ng daughtry song. hahaha.

un lang. weee.

okay. that was so random...

pagpaparaya.

2008-06-15T21:19:00.000-07:00

a few weeks back, i always wished it would rain in the morning. not because i wanted to experience the freshness of the air when the rain pours, or because i wanted to feel the raindrops fall on my palm and be happy, but just because gusto kong magjacket. it was very selfish. i know.

but then, after that week, i realized that it shouldn't happen kasi kawawa ung mga taong pumipila for NFA rice. so i just faced the fact that it should never rain when the sun is supposed to rise.

PERO... ang litsugas na wrong timing na igat na grrr. it friggin rained.
and look what i got, baha na hanggang tuhod.

what pisses me off more is that i came to school too damn early. and sinabi nung guard na may klase kahit na ang tubig sa labas ng gate 7 ay parang sapa, MAY PASOK. MAY FRIGGIN PASOK.

pagkatapos, pagpasok na pagpasok ko sa classroom, dumating ung guard. at sinabi niyang walang pasok. yes. MY LIFE LOVES ME VERY, VERY MUCH.

and now, i am in front of this computer with my uniform still on. (and of course, with the friggin jacket.)

PERFECT. JUST PERFECT.

tapos, bwct din na celtics, natalo. buxet.
the skies preempted na mananalo ang lakers. see? even the skies hate the lakers so much.

pero... kailangang magparaya. magparaya sa panahon. magparaya sa halos lahat ng bagay.
at malay natin, balang araw, ang panahon ang magpaparaya para sa akin.

i may be mad, but im loving it.

2008-06-10T05:01:00.000-07:00

you're on my mind constantly. but i can't help it. its like i can't face a day without imagining you here by my side, and recalling those perfect moments we shared.

but i know they would not last.
moments like those, they never last.

and now that you're gone, i reminisce those little moments. i go wild deep inside whenever i sense even a tinge of you, even on other people. my heart sings whenever i hear your name. i hold on to anything that reminds me of you. i may be mad, but im loving it.

and every day of my life, i am looking forward to see you, to hold you, to feel you. and you know, you should always know, that i will do everything, everything i could, to be with you and to make you happy.

i need you.i know its unavoidable but you left. but you left me just when i needed you most.

but of course, i have to move on. we shouldn't be brooding about past moments, we have to make new memories. and i know that seeing you again is a new thing to think about.

but either way, thinking of you in the past and looking forward to the future makes me restless. i just need you by me, before i go crazy.

i think you get me.

:)

2008-06-10T04:29:00.000-07:00

its not this day. its not how they bug me. its not the rain. its just me.

there are times when you feel like the people around you tend to.... uhhh... "feel"(?) that they planned to sabotage your day one little step at a time. its like... suicidal.

wait. i always feel suicidal. whats wrong with me?

hmm.

there will be no white flag above my door..
im in love, and always will be.

yes. its true. i will always be in love. we all will.

and as for the suicidal problem, well..
being suicidal is a part of who i am. and if i take it away, i wouldnt be.. me.

some birthday.

2008-05-20T00:30:00.000-07:00

a few months before, i have anticipated for that day. i expected a lot, and i thought of what might happen. i basically dreamt of how it will be like. pero all of the things i imagined never came into reality. so sa mga nagtatanong if i had a nice bday, i didnt.

nahurt ako konti kc mas special pa ang weekends kaysa sa birthday ko.
where's the justice in that?
so you cant blame me if my special day isnt exactly my favorite.

-i am SUICIDALLY BORED.-

2008-05-06T03:26:00.000-07:00

GAAAD.

this post is for all the people who tell me that im FAT.

SCREW you. tangina niyo. immature, insecure people.
so what if im getting fat?
at least im HAPPY.
at least im CONTENTEd.

actually, my so-called hatred started when my relatives call me fat. its like everytime i see them its 'yan, tumataba ka na'. i used to tolerate it. but now, its time to burst. and i mean burst.
i got driven to burst more when they compared me to my cousins. 'yan si ****** kay stick o. si yan2 kay barquillos[un gung cylindrical na pagkain .' HALLLEEEEERRR. its just so damn unfair that you do those kinds of things. you can like say it in a nice, unoffending way.

and yet, i conclude that theyre just so freakin insecure.

hmmm. stories. random. stupid.

2008-05-01T20:44:00.001-07:00

as i was scanning through my computer files, i came across a stupid composition. so, if ever any of you will read it, forgive me. i made this thing two years ago.[it says so in my computer.]

here it goes.

_isang araw, may dalawang tao na ang pangalan ay si tahimik at si makulit. dahil hindi sila magkasundo, nilagay sila sa isang bangka na pinapunta sa gitna ng pacific ocean at kukunin sa loob ng limang araw._

sa bangka...

makulit:[_naiiinip_] ayoko na dito. napakainit at hindi pa tayo binigyan ng pagkain para sa limang araw natin dito. ayokong mamatay!!!

tahimik:[_tahimik lang..._]

_dahil nainip na si makulit, napagpasyahan niyang makipag-usap kay tahimik._

makulit:[_nangungulit_] hello tahimik!! anong pangalan mo?

tahimik:[_walang reaksyon. nakatunganga_]

makulit: yooohoooo... hoy, tahimik, patay ka na ba?

tahimik:[_as usual, tahimik parin_]

_nainis si makulit, kaya naisipian niyang kumanta..._

tahimik:[sa wakas, may linya na..]diyos ko...

_maya't-maya, umulan. dahil dito, tumigil si makulit sa pagkanta. sabay sa kanyang paghinto ang pagtigil ng buhos ng ulan.at dahil tumigil ang ulan, kumanta ulit si makulit._
_pero, dahil kumanta si makulit ay umulan ulit.pero sa pagkakataong ito ay hindi tumigil si makulit sa kakakanta. at dahil hindi tumigil si makulit, lumakas ang ulan, at naging bagyo ito._
_natakot si makulit, at nag_panic_siya. pumunta siya kay tahimik.sa kabilang banda, si tahimik ay nakatulala lamang..._

_tumagal ang ulan ng dalawang araw. pagtigil ng ulan, namalayan nila na magkayakap silang dalawa sa dalawang araw na iyon..._

tahimik:ngayon ko lang napansin na ang ganda mo pala...

makulit:uhh... hindi ko alam ang anong sasabihin ko...

makulit: ewan ko kung paano ko ito sasabihin, pero...mahal k...

mahal ko ang bestfriend mo...
[nakaraan: nalaman ni cheerful galing sa tsismis na ang bestfriend ni tahimik ay sarili niya...]

tahimik: ano?? may gusto ka sa aso ko??
[mas matagal pa sa nakaraan: tsismis nga pala iyon... ang aso pala ni tahimik na si coffee ang bestfriend niya.]

makulit: so, tsimis lang pala iyon...

mahal kita, tahimik...

tahimik: mahal na rin kita...

sa isang iglap, ang bangkang kanilang sinasakyan ay napadpad sa Canada, at ika nga sa mga fairytale, "they lived happily ever after"...

mind you, two years ago ko pa yan ginawa. again, dont blame me kung stupid siya.
and yea, may english version gud xa. ohwell.

arts and crafts are so not me.

2008-04-28T23:36:00.000-07:00

gsp training week. makasakit ng ulo.
haay. you have to wake up earlier than usual, but then you still end up late.
you have a lot of things to do.
you got those arts and crafts which i dont totally enjoy.

arts and crafts.
arts and crafts?
what the.

they are the suppoed 'highlights' of the training. but... hindi kami magkasundo. sadly.

first activity:paper cutting.
reaction: pucha. pinapagaralan pala yan.

gaad. i hated it. first, mabilis masyado magturo si 'tagaturo'. tapos, hindi pa talaga namin makuha ung tamang fold. mahangin pa talaga. GAAAD. damnit.

second activity:flower making
reaction: lecheng petals.; anong straw, tiebox kaya yan, HALER.

isa pa ito. id say that this is the most frustrating part of the training. kasi, you have to make the petal out of the tiebox. tapos. kailangan mo man iexpand yan. XET. i dont have delicate hands. palagi xang marip. i got pissed off. tas un, si dia na lang tigaexpand. pagkatapos nun, you have to twist the strip of tiebox. that was manageable. after that, to have to put your finger in that things para maging deep xa, then twist ulit. i hated this part. no matter how hard/gentle you twist, it unwinds. xet namaaan. what i did was inipit ko siya sa book. nakakainis. it worked. pero panandalian lang. XD. last came the attaching part. ang piakafrustrating. last step. pinakacrucial. i hated it so much.

third activity:papier mache.
reaction: waaw. sayanga sa apple ui. pano mo man yan matanggal?

haha. ung nagalit si fr pabs kasi we put our dry, unfinished works in his garden. kung ganun na man lang, sana hindi niya kami pinayagan na mag ganun in the first place. if he did that, maraming sasaya.lol. it was the first time na nakapnta ako sa bhay ni dia dahil dito. half day kami ngalagay ng directory pages sa apple. stuppiiid. tas dito din kami naadik sa back dorm boys. hehe. ito ang pinakamatagal tapusin. XD

fourth activity: sewing
reaction: grumpy face;autistic mode.

one of my hatest. kahit na sabihin niyong basic yan, it doesnt seem like it. gaad. straining masyado. ugh. blaaaa. xet. uuuuuuuuuuuuugggggggggghhhhhhhhhh. gggrrraaaarrr. nuff said.

fifth activity: tie dying
reaction: at last.! last na. ; hala ka, kafuunn.

ito lang ung naamaze ako. haha. pero the available colors wouldnt silence my soul. kaya naginarte kami at gumawa ng bago. ayun, kami tuloy ang pinakahuling natapos.

last activity: MERGRANDEEE!!!
reaction: hay salamat, beach.

naigno lang ako sa day na ito. i learned how to fry an egg with a paper bag. yebaaa. nafrustrate din ako sa day na ito. kasi nung presentation ready-ing time, walang gingapanggawa ang mga groupmates ko. they had their own worlds. there came a time na nagawhisper na lang kami ni ate scout leader kung ano ang gawin, tas nagend up na gumawa ako ng own ko na poem tas piacorrect ko sa kanya. kami lang ang nagcare. no matter how much you ask them to cooperate, they wont. its very frustrating. how the hell can you be effective scout leaders if you dont learn how to listen,participate, and cooperate??? haler. its just so unfair. UNFAIR.

finally, natapos ang araw. ngaplayground kami. i made friends with the statues, and gained friends on the way home. okay lang ako. im tired.

aun. napakahaba. whole week asessment man. gaaa. to hell with this.

hmpf.

2008-04-28T23:11:00.000-07:00

hindi ko alam kung alam na niya kung ano ang puwede niyang malaman pero hindi dapat. kung alam ko lang na puwede nia pala itong malaman, hindi ko na sana ito pinaalam sa kinauukulan. sabi ng mga kinauukulan na hindi malalaman ng taong iyon ang kanyang puwedeng malaman dahil sa walang nakakaalam kung hindi sila lamang. pero ngayon, may mga "hint" na ang taong iyon tungkol sa mga hindi niya dapat malaman. kaya ngayon, hindi ko na ipapaalam sa mga kinauukulan ang mga bagay na hindi dapat malaman ng isa o higit pa na bilang ng mga tao dahil ang mga kinauukulan ay may malaking bibig at sinasabi sa ibang tao ang mga kaalaman na hindi dapat malaman ng lahat. naiinins na ako ng lubos sa mga kinauukulan dahil hindi sila marunong tumikom ng kanilang mga bibig at hindi sabihin ang mga hindi dapat malaman ng ibang tao.

LECHE KAYO.

ignorante ako sa blogging.

2008-04-24T04:39:00.000-07:00

its my first blog. yay me.

well actually, the sole purpose of me having a blog is because i want to feel how it is to actually WRITE a blog. so technically ignorante ako. [well... more of curious... pero fine. XD.]

so. i know how it feels. its just like your talking, kaya lang mas nakakapagod. haay.
i remember the times when i had that "virtual diary" of mine. . i write about what happens to me, who pisses me off, and what not. it was stupid, kasi notepad lang un. (kayo ba naman pagkaitan ng internet for how many years.. you tend to do desperate things...) then i forgot about it and stopped. haha i was in grade six back then...

then i looked back at it last week and i realized how absurd it was. it made me look back at all the stupidities and the "emoness" of my grade school life(lingid sa kaalaman ng iba, shaky ang aking grade school life...). i even saw a lot of typos and all that. its always fun to look at old memories...

i also realized na makatulong talaga ang blogging(or even peseudo-blogging) in a persons life. it helps you not to burst. i shall therefore call blogging as the virtual buddy that you can talk to and send a message with.

ayan. kaigno ko magblog. bago pa kasi ba. waa.